TODAY
By: Iris P. Concepcion

Therefore.

(I have always wanted to write a word like this sans any intro without any reason. Therefore my foot).

*A note on the event at the Coliseum. I am a keen watcher. What floored me there were the ads for future musical shows. Woody Allen would not have grasped that satire even if his curly hair gets nipped. It was the brilliant use of so little lines: there's the worldly account of treatise. Did you miss out the banner on floods? That was a totally heartbreaking visage. With the famous singer clapping like a cheshire fur looking at the people below. That totally broke my smugness.. Vis-a-vis the giant (tacky) parody in front with the spa ad (we love our skin---these people wear their sexiness out, not counting paramours in seedy motels), I know who won my heart there. You see the Philippine map and that is precisely what I am talking about. You got size, we got substance. Cost effective.And yes Virginia, I adore the Backstreet Boys.*

I headed straight to this hotel. Was billeted there by a former writing colleague. It was eerie at first. The taxi driver was telling me horrible stories about people being killed along the unlighted roads. You know, where a tourist guide points you at the Eiffel and terms it the greatest edifice on Earth, this happy driver, in faultless cadence, says this instead : "This is the spot where a woman disappeared. Nobody saw her again." I can only say: "Ah, okay."

I arrived at the place and it looked like a scrubbed version of the Amityville Horror flick. I do not know if I got the title right.

The whole structure was really up in smoke like it is going to fall down. It turned out some guys from the outer space were just fumigating it, getting rid of the germs (the kindly lady in the front desk with the sunny smile termed it :"we're getting rid of the pests") swarming inside. I was expecting worms to appear on its windows but none came. A woman came out, with a mask, looking worn-out and ill.

I needed to take a pee and braving the foul smell, I sought the guard for directions to the comfort room. He obliged.

Man, the c.r. of the smoked building looked splendid. I say this with a mind pre-programmed to expect a cubicle with dung ornamenting it like garlands. It was clean. It felt like a hotel, truly. Curiously, there was a guy in front of the building who sat there like a dolled-up Ninoy. He was wearing pink and was talking to himself.

I said to my companion : " This hotel looks like a hospital."

I stayed there alone and whenever I am about to doze off at night----voices are heard discussing the current affairs of the country with so much passion you can almost see their organs and innards blazing like fire. Dicks with super turbo wings. If each expletive costs a boil each, it is like leprosy in full blown mastery. They were vying for attention I guess, the loudest got hushed by one with an impeccable English spiel (I know him---I created a story for him for crying out loud) about himself (sort of, I was watching television and was enjoying the talks).

I decided to while away my time ruminating about catastrophes. And talking toilet sinks.

Therefore.

(I love this sudden break of thought).

When you are already at the tip of the iceberg (borrowing metaphor from the Titanic), here comes the worst line uttered in this galaxy, ever. 'Ice-cream'. Delivered by the worst dubber in the universe. By God, it ruined the moment! Damn intruder. I like picking on this guy because he is somewhat confused with his singing range. His butt looks like an overblown pillow. If I were his Mom, I would really disown him. I am not mad at him; he just keeps on turning gaffe after gaffe of outcast materials. You always ponder: what is he doing there?

Obviously, I am not in my little town. I am experiencing fun, feeling very guilty spending for overpriced food, overpriced clothes, terrible racks of clothing apparel and horrendous shoes in this paradoxical environment.

And I have to pay 10 bucks to use the loo (I could buy two kinds of vegetables for this). To maximize the amount, I just used everything that I can see inside the urinal-----handwash, tissues and I engaged in staring events with co-looers who brushed their teeth like they would curl their lashes. I saw a hefty woman here who was so gigantic, huge in the mold of Dolly Parton but distributed evenly all throughout her body---imagine the bulges everywhere, texting like a prim and proper Hilton heiress. I'll buy tummy detectors next time for identification purposes.

On my train ride, someone extracted from Harry Potter's book, Dumbledore, I think, and Frankensteined him. Posed there like a genius lunie in Joycean pose. I wondered why I was the only one looking at him in obvious deliberation.

It sort of looked like there is a cult for gigantic gadgets that everyone's taking to the platform. I want to somersault, get a tape measure to find out what the height of that huge billboard is. I am supposed to be displaced but wondered thereafter what lines I can create out of this. They likewise gave trivias about almost everything: from halitosis to scars and whatnot while the train's running. If you are loud inside, someone is gonna bust you. And he is one-eyed.

On shopping:

You see (another opening line I hate using), during five years of my tending the sick, burying the dead, feeding the children,it is almost ridiculous splurging on clothes more than five hundred pesos. Everytime I take a bite, there is always something playing on my mind i.e. : I can cook this myself for half the price.

I only bought the statement shirts because I could not find the same make in thrift outlets.

Why the transformation, you ask me.

The better other of this writer taught me how NOT to spend. His clone paid something like P250 for a salad that looks like a lettuce sold for 5 bucks in our town. Somehow, I just need to crack a joke. Even the waiters were stifling their inner disillusionment. Haha.

I said then : "You know I can cook this for you."

Here's the thing, he absolutely taught me these things:

1. Shopping in thrift outlets where 100 goes a long way. Whenever you get near all these finds, you can almost hear ear plugs getting live like : "That's joe's."

2. Looking ugly is not a problem. Self-explanatory. He whacks people who tell me off even when I am at my despicable self.

3. Being jologs. I am not too fussy on how I look now. Yes, the leg warmers are lame. But have you ever heard of "sexy lame?" I like wearing this Newtonish leg warmer because I fancy myself as a "suman", wrapped in banana leaf . That's the closest thing I can get to being a food. Just deal with the postcript: I am sexy lame.

4. He bought me a local brand of chocolate and it tastes like Paris. I think it just costs seven pesos or something. You know what I mean? He has an extremely genius gift of LOCATING things that I like.

5. How to really look cool in motorcycles without even trying. Do not ask me. Nobody rides that shit like him. Its sound is so fight. He was aped and they looked like weenies. Hehehehehehe.

6. Not to be spooked even with the world ending because the day after, your pimples will be gone.

7.I finally understand why he loves dirty ice-cream. Totally.

8. He does not like me using stuff given by other men. They simply vanish, I do not know why.